


say something, i'm giving up on you

by evaneddie



Series: dhylen writes one shots [3]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, i'm not even sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2020-10-10 12:14:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20527865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evaneddie/pseuds/evaneddie
Summary: a fiery explosion. an argument over a team member. a hospital bed.





	say something, i'm giving up on you

**Author's Note:**

> written for bemybuddie (tumblr)  
prompts chosen:  
157\. “You’re doing it again.” “Doing what?” “Staring.” ❤  
188\. “Say something. Anything. Yell at me, tell me to leave you alone. Just say something!” ❤💔  
one is fluff and the other was my choice, so i did both angst and fluff. hope you like it.

Growing up, the idea of being caught in a burning building as a fiery explosion erupts is not something Buck thought he would ever experience. Not once. Yet here he is, going through similar shit nearly every day of his life. He wouldn't change it for the world though. Nothing could ever make him want to stop. Being a firefighter has become his whole life and three quarters of his personality. While his older sister tells him that there's more to life than being on an adrenaline high all the time, he just can't seem to see it that way. He saves people. It's what he loves. It's the only thing that has ever made him feel half useful. At least, that was until Eddie came along. Then his perspective on the day to day started changing for the better. Not as though he felt he had to morph into someone else to feel accepted by him, but more for the fact that the man and his gorgeous son made him want to better himself, and still do to this very moment in time.

This very moment where the heat on his skin feels like it's becoming too much and will soon burn through his protective layers. As the explosion rings out, Buck can feel his heart and stomach drop past his feet and travel thousands of miles down into the Earth. Just like most things involving Eddie that go wrong, it's Buck's fault. If he hadn't been arguing over some petty little thing, maybe he would have seen the blast before it happened. Maybe he could have predicted it with the flame patterns and the creaking he now distinctly remembers hearing. Eddie always tells Buck not to dwell on the what ifs of everything, but he can't help it. There's an eerie silence coming from around him, bar for the roaring of the fire and crackling of the building falling apart. "Eddie?" he calls out, hoping with all that's in him that he will hear a voice shout back to him.

But he doesn't. He can't hear anything over the voice in his head calling him derogatory names and blaming everything on him. Of course he knows deep down that he can't debate with the words its speaking. For now, however, he pushes it to the side and focuses on finding his partner and getting them both out of there in one piece. "Eds!" yells Buck again, his hands cupped around his mouth to help project the sound further. Again he gets naught in response. Even a small groan would assist.

The walkie on his shoulder crackles as the captain tries to speak to him, but before anything comprehensible sounds, it fizzles out and dies. In the dim light, he can barely make out the communication device, but he does notice that it has been quite damaged from the force of the blast. It's unusable. There's no way for him to contact the rest of their team and update them on his position and his mission. The mission to help Eddie. To find him. To apologise for starting an argument over a woman. 

A woman. What kind of idiot does that? What asshole fights with their best friend because they think he deserves better than her? Why can't he just be happy with the possibility that Eddie may have found someone for him? Like, of course he's happy for Eddie. But oh how he hates her. Oh how he hates this entire mess of a situation he has caused. She's someone they work with, and while a very good firefighter, not a great person. Not just because he doesn't want the two of them to get together, nor for jealousy, but she just isn't really a nice person. At all. Not even in the slightest. It appears to be that she puts on a fake front, a facade in front of the others, but when she's not in the team environment Buck sees her for who she really is.

At first her role within the team was only supposed to be until Buck had returned from leave. Well, news flash people, he's been back for two months. Two whole months and nothing has changed. His lungs burn as he breathes the thick smoke in, and it makes his chest feel tight. The kind of feeling you get when you've been under water for too long without air, and it starts to feel like you're going to combust. Only, this is about a hundred times worse with the extremely high temperatures. Possibly even a thousand times worse. Nothing could ever trump the fear of losing the man you love though. That pain is unlike anything he's ever experienced before.

"Eds!" Refusing to let the tears fall, he pushes all the worry he can to the back of his mind and steps over some of the rubble that had fallen to the ground not long ago. A piece of the ceiling perhaps? Or maybe part of the wall from which the explosion passed through? Either way, he doesn't dwell on it too much. 

As if a miracle, from the corner of Buck's eye, he sees a blur of messy dark hair through the smoke. He's not moving. And that scares Buck. Scares him deeply. If they hadn't been arguing prior to all this, Eddie would most likely be standing by his side as they continued to make their way out of the building and back to the street. That is what they were doing when everything went to hell. They had done a quick last once over, ensuring that there was nobody left behind. It was on their way out that the incident occurred. Buck doesn't know how far his body was thrown. Too far from Eddie, that's all he knows.

"Eddie, hey," he calls out, his voice wavering at the vision of blood on Eddie's face appears. He's been hit pretty hard, most likely concussed from a blow to the head. This is all his fault. How could he let this happen? Eddie has a kid! Buck has nothing. What he wouldn't give to swap positions. Thankfully Eddie isn't pinned down by anything, so it should be a pretty easy escape, of course once Buck figures out how he's going to carry Eddie through the fire without moving his neck and head too much. It isn't possible, though. He'll be as cautious as he can to avoid worsening a potential spinal injury, but more importantly he has to get the both of them out of there.

“Say something. Anything. Yell at me, tell me to leave you alone. Just say something!” Gently, Buck slaps Eddie's cheek, trying to bring him out of the forced sleep he's in. Come on man, wake up. "This is all my fault, Eddie. I'm so sorry." They need to leave. Now. Before it's too late.

***

He sits by Eddie's bedside for the next six hours, just waiting for any sign of movement. So far there hadn't been much. Not until he decided he would grab Eddie's hand and place a gentle kiss on it. Eddie had woken not long after that, the first word on his tongue being Buck's name. it was raspy and barely audible, but it was there. It was there and all Eddie. Everything Buck loves about him.

"You're doing it again," Eddie whispers.

Buck moves his eyes to the bruising and bandages with stains of dried blood on Eddie's face. He came so close to losing Eddie, and if it had happened, he would never ever forgive himself. He knows Christopher wouldn't forgive him either. He was supposed to be there to protect him. That's what partners do. But he had to be selfish and start an argument. Of course he did.

"Doing what?" Buck asks in return.

"Staring."

Shit. He hadn't realised. "I'm just glad you're okay, Eds." More like he's in love and is so glad to see that face awake and talking again. That beautiful face with the sharp jawline, and the kind eyes, and the happy smile. The one that is attached to the best personality.

There's a weak smile that the two of them share. Weak, but holds so much. It holds love, and angst, and sorrow. A beat of silence sits like a thick blanket between them. Buck wants to tell Eddie how sorry he is, and how it will never happen again. But the only way he can promise that is by leaving the 118. Leaving his family. Letting Eddie be with the woman he likes. Everyone would be safer that way. Eddie especially.

"It's all my fault, I'm so sorry." As he stands to leave, Buck hears Eddie attempt to protest but he blocks it out. There's no way to ever know what was said. He doesn't want to know. It would just hurt more. Friendship doesn't begin to describe the emotions he feels towards the other man. He just leaves. It's for the best. Tears roll down his face as he leaves the hospital. They fill his eyes as he hands in his transfer papers to Bobby. They make his heart ache as he tries to sleep that night after turning his phone to silent, watching as the calls and texts from the team flow in.

He's just done.


End file.
